#it doesnt matter how hard i try | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

iliothermia · 10 months ago

Text

I won't be able to finish this drawing before the convention, which will take up my next 5 days.. But I want to talk a little about him.. I've been thinking about golems and Frankenstein, and the trans body, projection and misunderstanding, villainization and death.

The concepts of Frankenstein's monster and the golem have been swimming in my head for a while, and their lore intertwining.. The tragedy of existing being seen as a monster no matter how you try,.. And the Golem, a protector of his people and a servant whose only flaw always rang a bit close to home as an an autistic person-- being too literal in execution of his orders. He's tired and struggles with a yearning for death. His havdalah candles will be out.. The first flame of the week, a spark of starting over again-- The flame brings him fear. As much as he's kept himself together he doesn't know how much longer he can keep doing it, he fears failure- but the fear of what may happen if he's gone is even more terrifying. He's lived a long life, and over time the one who formed him has sculpted him to the golem's own wishes.. From nothing to the man he is- but even with that effort, to outsiders he's still a monster. His skin is different shades of clays from varying riverbeds as his people have travelled.. Golems are unformed, imperfect.. but even as outsides can be polished the insides can still be broken

#i have a million thoughts on him but will only put a little ramble i guess #jewish art #trans art #you ever think about how no matter how hard you try as a trans person at the end of the day a large amount of people will still see you #as trans. doesnt matter how acceptable you look #the same thing is with jewishness for me.. it's been like a damage multiplier on top of transness.#it doesnt matter how nice i try to be or how caring. it doesnt matter how many good things i do im still a jew to a large amount of people #even within the queer community haha :') ive felt it so often in queer communities here.#this little guy is gonna be where i store that experience as a trans jew. it goes in the frankengolem #i like the thought of frankenstein's fear of fire being incorporated into him in his fear of both rest and havdalah..#he doesnt feel safe to rest. he dreads the new week. his entire life he spends in dread even if he wants to protect his loved ones #gently pats the top of his head.. this boy's autistic #long text #bare chest #death #cw death #tw death #just in case

1K notes · View notes

p1zzaparty · 19 days ago

Note

i for one would love to hear the remainder of ur thoughts on maggie tozier…

EEEE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!! This means so much coming from you Kat 😭

okay a few things to note before i begin

This is a lot

Its a lot of me redoing her from the ground up, her personality, her looks, her background, her relationships etc, etc.

So just know, im taking like a thousand creative liberties with this

To begin i based her looks on the character Deirdre Barlow from an old brit soap opera called Coronation Street.

I imagine she literally looks like her kids, they get almost 90% of her genes and look like mini versions of her. Though she perms her hair to fit in with the trends, and tv has sold her a bunch of at-home perm styling kits. She's got pronounced jowls like Richie does, he probably has her wide nose too. Her fashion is very on brand for the time with lots of sweaters and jeans and big clunky jewelry.

I always imagined, much like every little homo, Richie got a lot of his fashion from his mama..

and cartoons.

She's average height, and probably is on and off diets but never takes it too seriously. Besides she enjoys baking and is always trying some recipe she saw Julia Childs make. She's kind of a stocky woman, it just runs in the family to be sorta squarish and have this bulldog look to them.

As for personality i personally never cared for Kings description of her as a kind of wishy washy woman who cried at everything Richie did or said.

For me i liked to think someone like Richie needs a mom who matches his energy and can take on his rambunctiousness. Even if it takes grabbing him by the ear and dragging him back inside to get a verbal slashing. She's not overly dominant or strict, just used to Richie always mucking up mud and knows how to rear him back even if he still embarrasses her in public sometimes with his trashmouth. I mentioned this before but i see Maggie as one of the, if not ONLY, better parental figures in the loser club. She genuinely cares about Richies friends because of how few and far between there is. Any kid in her house is her kid, she feeds and provides a safe place for anyone he brings home. Even if she doesn't understand some of their interests, or lingo, or fashion statements, or music. She's a moms mom, always referring to any kid as 'hon' 'baby' or 'sweetheart.' She can be fun and doesn't take anything toooo seriously, but she still cares about appearances. She's like an average sitcom mom who wants to look like a good mom and have a normal family with a happy life. She's also, a giant dork.

Much like her son, she too is kind of a loser. She's got that Tozier awkwardness, always making jokes where there shouldn't be, laughing too loudly/obnoxiously, always making references to pop culture even if nobody in the room has a clue what they're referring to. She doesnt really have a lot of friends 😭

She definitely tried, oh my god did she try. She would bake goodies and strap baby Richie into one of those backpack carriers and go around the neighborhood trying to introduce herself and her stinky ugly baby. And it was hard, Derrys an old, OLD small town. Backwards, judgmental, harsh, hateful. Unfortunately she just wasn't that privy with the other moms around her. But she desperately wanted to be, being a stay at home mom is lonely work. She dreamt of just being that sitcom housewife that makes the perfect dinner and snaps her fingers to clean the house in an instant and talks, and talks, and talks on the phone. She wants in on the mom gossip. She wants to be apart of a community SO badly.

Sonia is one of her few mom friends and even then that's more of a obligated friendship, their only common interests being their children and television. She kind of finds Sonia annoying and doesn't approve of her parenting methods, always rolling her eyes when the phone rings while Eddies staying the night, knowing its some new task she'll have to force the boy to do. Though she enjoys that Sonia will listen to her blabber, even if shes probably just sitting and watching tv while Maggie drones on about this and that and giving an assuring "uh huh" as a sign of life. Maggie's such a tv head too, i love to think she enjoys watching Cheers the most along with various soap operas and game shows. Her family bonds over tv with tv dinners on tv stands while they parrot tv quotes at each other. She probably has to shoo Richie away whenever Cheers is on, needing time to debrief and mumble to herself about Dianes complicated romances. And shes got a crush on Fraiser, god you and your mom have crushes on wimpy mama boys in suits lordd

I based a lot of her personality on Calvins mom from Calvin and Hobbes

I played around a bit with her background. I know she's depicted as Catholic but i always imagined she grew up Jewish, only quitting the practice when she and Went got married. Her views on religion are mixed, not wanting to really skew her children in any direction, but celebrating Christmas to fit in with everyone else in Derry. Not that it really helped because she never took them to church. Evil bastard child and her half demon brother whos annoying. Her and her parents relationship are a bit if not totally strained, they probably disapproved of Went back when they first met as teens. Their reasons were based mostly on Wents social status, but they were also just very critical of Maggie and every choice she made. She always felt suffocated by her parents and Went just made her feel clear and airy. Though it was mostly puppy love that kept them together at the time, their love would continue to blossom over the years as they got older and older. They truly loved each other.

I had this whole idea that he and Maggie were young lovers at 18, falling in love like it was the movies as they hid it from their parents. But she would end up pregnant with Rachel like REALLY early on, and it would kind of "ruin" any "plans" they had of running off together and going to some local college while Went worked. Which only added more strain to her and her parents relationship as they went off to have a small shot-gun wedding at a courthouse. Only able to afford a dress and flowers at the time, but she still looks back at it fondly and probably passed her dress on to Rachel later in life. She is still in contact with her parents but only rarely do they go visit, Richie hates the smell of his grandpa and always tries to rile them up by doing impressions of Mickey Mouse.

She's one of the youngest mothers in Derry, only making her more of an outcast in the judging eyes of others, but she loves her kids more than she ever felt she was loved as a child. She always wanted a girl, just enjoyed shopping for one and bonding with one and brushing their hair and decorating their room and doing their nails and makeup together. She adored Rachel, she was exactly what she dreamed of when she thought of raising a little girl. Their relationship is really close even if Rachel began to pull away towards her teen years. (I have SO many ideas for her as well 😭)

Much like her, Richie was a surprise/accident. She never really imagined herself caring for a boy and found it a bit more difficult, especially since their age gap is a bit wide. But even through her rolling eyes and yelling Richies full government name when she finds her nightgown cut with eyeholes in it for his ghost costume, she loves her son.

Their relationship is VERY much like Linda and Gene. While she doesnt care much for Richies crude humor and snappy quips, she cant help but hide a smile sometimes when she hears him and Rachel bickering back and forth. She genuinely thinks her son is really funny, just needs to tone it down a notch sometimes and not be the loudest voice in the room. God, shes probably taken him to talent shows at school. Tying Wents best looking polkadot tie around his neck while he nervously flips through his note cards, getting his glasses all sweaty as he quietly asks if maybe they, um, can just go home instead. And she'd sigh and clean his stupid thick glasses for him and tell him hes going to do wonderful. "You're funny Richie, real funny." And when she see's him waddle up onto the stage, nervous, scared, and tiny. Her smile would be bigger than her heart, having to flash him a healthy thumbs up to boost his little confidence. But of course he would fumble, sputtering every joke, never getting to the punchline, or getting their too early, and he'd be too quiet for the people in the back to even hear him. And Maggie would be the only one clapping, the loudest she can too. That's her funny guy. She lets him cry to her and wipes his tears with her sleeve. She never bought into the way most moms treat their sons, she wanted Richie to grow up loving someone with his full heart. Even if it means she coddles him sometimes.

And her and Went have a very loving relationship, very average and kind of mundane in a sweet way. They're very genuine, Wents sort of a passive guy who listens to his wife nightly rants about her day and enjoys it. He loves her more than his vocabulary allows him. Simple guy, loves his wife, laughs when his kids curse at each other, works wayyyy too much.

God this family

I think that's the brunt of my thoughts, most of my ideas are just small little things that add to her greater personality. I also loooove parental parallels so there's always tiny shit between her, Richie, and Rachel even.

In chapter 2 i think she's still alive, Went died from liver cancer a bit into Richies 30s (Toziers are kind of functional alcoholics.) So now she resides in Florida, where Richie bought her a nice home near the beach. He doesn't visit, or call that often which depresses her a little. But she understands, plus Rachel still often comes by with her children to visit and catch up.

I have list long notes on all the Toziers, they're genuinely one of my favorite fictional families and i literally highjacked them and made them my own 😭

OH! and i imagine she's got a collection of antique clown decorations. Vases, paintings, statues, gnomes, you name it. It's why Richies not very fond of them. Or going into her room much.

Tldr; Your mamas a loser like you

#She genuinely means the world to me #I try to give her a lot of micro complexities that makes her more dynamic and yknow #an actual character #Like of course she loves and cares for her son #but if he told her that some killer clown monster that shape shifts and called him a queer tried to eat his face off #i mean would you believe him #She would be worried for sure but more worried that maybee letting him see The Thing wasnt such a good idea #Or The Rocky Horror Picture show #oh and of course she knows his little secret #duh every mom knows that #maybe not fully but shes got an idea about him #a mother always knows #and she will always support her children know matter who they choose to be #maybe not assholes though she taught them better than that #She probably doesnt wish for him to BE gay though #not because of any of her own prejudices or bigotry against it #but because shes not stupid #shes known Richie has already had a hard life #hes not exactly a beloved football star quarterback that all the cheerleaders follow around #shes aware of how hard it is for him out there in this ugly town #she just doesnt want one more thing weighing him down #maggie tozier #it #it stephen king #it 2017 #richie tozier #ask box

19 notes · View notes